Bonding patterns and inner family
“As we develop a loving relationship with our Inner Child, the need to find substitute Nurturing Parents in the outer world diminishes. We no longer put demands on our family or friends to do our Inner Parenting for us. We do it for ourselves.
As this happens, relationships begin to transform. In their second book, Embracing Each Other, Hal Stone and Sidra Winkelman describe what happens when we get stuck in negative bonding patterns. According to their Voice Dialogue model, the term bonding patterns refers to the”…activation of parent/child patterns of interaction between two people. These are normal and natural configurations that exist in all relationships.” They go on to say that the “catalyst for all negative bonding patterns is the activation of the disowned vulnerability.” In other words, the Vulnerable Child gets disowned by one of the two people and sets off a chain reaction.
For instance, when Mr. Fisher, a highly successful CEO, feels overwhelmed, he goes into a Critical Parent mode and puts pressure on his secretary, Mrs. Clark. She goes into the Dutiful Daughter and works harder, faster, and longer to please her boss. She soon realizes she needs an assistant to help with the greater work load, but does not discuss it with Mr. Fisher. It seems that he is now suffering from hypertension headaches and gets her sympathy. Coming to his rescue from her Nurturing Mother, she avoids asking for what she really needs with the following excuses: ”He has so much on his mind. I don’t want to trouble him with one more problem. And he’s already upset about the budget.” Meanwhile, her Inner Child (who lives in the body) is worn out and gets sick. A temporary assistant is hired, but only because Mrs. Clark is now home with the flu for a few days.
If Mrs. Clark’s Nurturing Parent had listening to her own Inner Child sooner and gotten her Protective Parent to ask for help in the first place, she might not have become ill. Before we jump to the conclusion that Mr. Fisher would not have authorized hiring temporary assistance, let me point out that she did not even give him a chance. She never asked because she was too busy reading his mind, predicting his reaction, and preventing it from happening. This kind of controlling behavior completely ignores the needs of her Inner Child. And it prevents Mr. Fisher from taking responsibility for his own Inner Child, his feelings and physical well-being. Mrs. Clark got the help she needed after all, but she paid a high price: sickness.
Understanding the dynamics of our Inner Family has far-reaching implications for all of our relationships. As we become conscious of our Inner Child and learn to nurture and protect it, these negative bonding patterns come to light and we can do something about them. As we become aware, we widen our choices.”
(LUCIA CAPACCHIONE i boken ”Recovery of your Inner Child”)
As this happens, relationships begin to transform. In their second book, Embracing Each Other, Hal Stone and Sidra Winkelman describe what happens when we get stuck in negative bonding patterns. According to their Voice Dialogue model, the term bonding patterns refers to the”…activation of parent/child patterns of interaction between two people. These are normal and natural configurations that exist in all relationships.” They go on to say that the “catalyst for all negative bonding patterns is the activation of the disowned vulnerability.” In other words, the Vulnerable Child gets disowned by one of the two people and sets off a chain reaction.
For instance, when Mr. Fisher, a highly successful CEO, feels overwhelmed, he goes into a Critical Parent mode and puts pressure on his secretary, Mrs. Clark. She goes into the Dutiful Daughter and works harder, faster, and longer to please her boss. She soon realizes she needs an assistant to help with the greater work load, but does not discuss it with Mr. Fisher. It seems that he is now suffering from hypertension headaches and gets her sympathy. Coming to his rescue from her Nurturing Mother, she avoids asking for what she really needs with the following excuses: ”He has so much on his mind. I don’t want to trouble him with one more problem. And he’s already upset about the budget.” Meanwhile, her Inner Child (who lives in the body) is worn out and gets sick. A temporary assistant is hired, but only because Mrs. Clark is now home with the flu for a few days.
If Mrs. Clark’s Nurturing Parent had listening to her own Inner Child sooner and gotten her Protective Parent to ask for help in the first place, she might not have become ill. Before we jump to the conclusion that Mr. Fisher would not have authorized hiring temporary assistance, let me point out that she did not even give him a chance. She never asked because she was too busy reading his mind, predicting his reaction, and preventing it from happening. This kind of controlling behavior completely ignores the needs of her Inner Child. And it prevents Mr. Fisher from taking responsibility for his own Inner Child, his feelings and physical well-being. Mrs. Clark got the help she needed after all, but she paid a high price: sickness.
Understanding the dynamics of our Inner Family has far-reaching implications for all of our relationships. As we become conscious of our Inner Child and learn to nurture and protect it, these negative bonding patterns come to light and we can do something about them. As we become aware, we widen our choices.”
(LUCIA CAPACCHIONE i boken ”Recovery of your Inner Child”)
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